Sometimes Autistic People Need a Bit of Instruction in Social Matters that Come Easily to Neurotypical Folk

In my story about doors I hint at how confused autistic people often are by social cues, gestures, facial expressions, small talk, and unspoken social rules that "neurotypical" people come by instinctively. Especially early on, because we do learn, if only by trial and error.

In my book I tell how I accidentally rebuffed various people who tried to befriend me, romantically and otherwise--how I failed to recognize gestures and meanings, or how I failed to act when it was my turn to move the relationship forward. For me, social interactions were essentially happy, random events. I enjoyed people when they were in front of me. They enjoyed me. But it took years of trial and error for me to begin to understand my role in keeping them in front of me. 

One person stood out, because I actually pursued her. When I wrote my book I couldn't explain the difference in my behavior. But recently, I remembered an important small event that I didn't bother to put in the book.

I had met this person at dinner in our dormitory. She came and sat with me. That was the only time in two semesters that anyone other than my roommate ate with me. 

We hit it off immediately. She had a sardonic sense of humor. I remember walking back to the dormitory joking about all the other residents. (The ones who never spoke to me or ate with me!)

We spent a lot of time together over the next several weeks, and even went on a couple of dates that I suggested.

In the other romantic interactions I describe I took little or no initiative. I just enjoyed the fruits of my own passivity.

Why the difference?

Sometime soon after our dinner together, the young woman saw me talking to my roommate in the lobby. She stopped and talked to us. Then she told me, "You should come up and see me sometime. I'm in room 204."

That's all I needed. I watched her run up the stairs. My roommate said, "Peter's got a little hottie!" (He knew this was a very rare thing.) And, without answering, I darted up the stairs behind her.

The only other time I received anything like instruction in social interactions was during my Peace Corps training. I describe it in the story about the doors. I learned all the rest by trial and many, many errors.

But I did learn.